Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
