dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
