I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
