i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
