if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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