Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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