the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize