I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
