one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
