now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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