First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
