I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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