Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
