you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Terrible idea I love it
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
