he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
