There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
