i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
