Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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