Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How external is "for external use only"?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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