life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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