I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize