If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize