I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
