U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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