Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
