Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Just cropdusted the office
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Are we still banned from the library?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
