I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We were destined to go to rehab together
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
