I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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