I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
