i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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