I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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