he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
