i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
