I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
