There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
