hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
