I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
