Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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