Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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