Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
