Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
