This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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