He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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