new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
