She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
