I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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