Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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