Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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