I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I currently don't understand fingers.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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