I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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