My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
