I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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