this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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