So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
