Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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