btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
