Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Duck Duck Cougar?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
