We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
