a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
