Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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