everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
