I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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